In the past 6 months I have been through more than I imagined I would. I lost friendships, relationships with family members crumbled and on top of it all I found out at 10 weeks pregnant that I had had a missed miscarriage and my baby had died at 8 1/2 weeks which was mind blowing because we had already heard its little heart beating on so many occasions. All of these events were traumatic and devastating in their own ways because each individual involved meant a great deal to me and essentially losing all of them at the same time was more than I could mask. I got very low and very angry and I would try to start every day fresh but I couldn't help feeling like the unnecessary stress brought into my life by these people made me lose my child, even though I'm logical enough to know the primary cause of early miscarriage is genetic misinformation I still needed something/someone to blame. My pregnancy was a secret and these relationships fell apart unbeknownst to them that I was pregnant at all and in all my hormonal glory I didn't care who came in or out of my life because my baby would stay, obviously that didn't happen and once I lost it I wanted to lose all of those people along with it. Everyone grieves differently but losing a child no matter at what stage is earth-shattering because you've already mapped out so much more of their life in your head and you love them so deeply it literally kills you. It took me a while to find the place that I'm in now. I can openly talk about it without crying because I've learned a lot in the process. My relationship with my husband is unshakable, my relationship with God is one with a much much greater understanding and the people who fell out of my life have slowly been working their ways back in because of a mutual forgiveness. If I have learned anything it is that my life has never been bad, God has never steered me in the wrong direction. Every moment that I've ever had where I thought the world would end turned out to be just another step towards an outcome even greater than I could have imagined and all of this comes with having to really truly forgive everyone, including yourself. There's so much bitterness and anger when you don't forgive and no one wants that toxicity in their life, especially when house hunting. (yay!)
